Soon Britain is to have a general election and we the voters have to decide who is to be Prime Minister. It’s a difficult choice that we all must make.
Let’s take a close look at these scenarios involving the contenders.
Presenter: First, asking a member of the Green Party what she would do for the country.
Greens: We are fanatical in our endeavour to make the world green and this should start by Great Britain doing it first.
Presenter: Wouldn’t that put heavy taxation on everyone in the country?”
Greens: Well of course it would. You cannot have a full green policy without paying heavily for it.
Presenter: That would mean that gas, electric and water would treble in the first stage of implementation.
Greens: Well, it would only last for a short period until we are all green.”
Presenter: How long would that be?”
Greens: About fifty years.”
Presenter: But the Earth has 71% water and 29% land on its surface and one-third of the land is desert. Great Britain doesn’t even register on the land scale. Many of us would have to live in tents and batteries and cook with burning wood.
Greens: That is not acceptable; burning fossil fuel will contaminate the atmosphere.
Presenter: Then many of us will freeze to death.
Greens: We must suffer all these small discomforts.”
The second scenario asks a UKIP politician for his views.
Presenter: What would UKIP do for the country?”
UKip: Err, err – erm, we would leave the European Union and stop, er no, control immigration.
Presenter: But that is already underway now.”
UKip: Err, err – erm, yes, so it is. Nigel once threw an idea in the air to bring back Grammar schools.
Presenter: Mrs May has already done it.
UKip: Err, err – erm, yes, so she has.”
Presenter: Well what are your other policies?”
UKip: “Err, err – erm, we’re still compiling them – ask me after June.
Presenter: But the election would be over.
UKip: Err, err – erm, then we’ll just carry on winging it like we are now.”
The third scenario now involves the LIB-DEMS.
We asked one of their members from the party about the European Union.
Presenter: Why do you love the European Union?
Libdem: Because anyone can enter Europe and quickly make their way through from one end to the other.”
Presenter: Many people do not like that idea, but you do.”
Libdem: Ah, yes – I fully agree with the EU laxative policy.
Presenter: And what is that?
Libdem: Freedom of movement. - I think it’s a wonderful idea to have all the countries locked together like a big brother convention. It’s wonderful for trade and millions of people moving between each country without the use of a passport.
Presenter: What about the problem of the immigrants outside Europe trying to get in?
Libdem: We should open the gates for all of them that’s why we remain staunch Liberals.
Presenter: The criticism of your party is that it is emotional and obsessed with Europe and green policies.”
Libdem: Well of course it is, green European emotion get votes.”
Presenter: In analogy you are likened to the fervour of the prohibitionists of 1920’s America.
Libdem: Well thank you - I never thought of it like that.
Presenter: Your Minister in the coalition placed green taxes on energy that all consumers had to pay. It has now been rescinded by the Conservatives and all the bills were lowered. Will this help to gain voters.”
Libdem: Of course, you watch, they’ll be flocking to vote Liberal to turn the country green and become a federal state under the brilliant European Union.
Presenter: Such optimism, now all you need is lots of luck.”
For the fourth scenario involves the Labour leader who could be the Prime Minister in government. (SOUND OF AN ATOMIC BOMB)
The Prime Minister on tour hears that London has been attacked by a nuclear weapon from a North Korean undetectable green submarine – millions killed. The Prime Minister takes immediate action.
Jeremy: Send a message to Kim Jong-un asking him why he has committed such a vile act.
Assistant: Now receiving an audible reply.” (SOUND –RASBERRY)
Jeremy: What was that?
Assistant: I think it was Kim paying his respects. He’s followed that with another message saying Manchester and Birmingham are next. “What shall we do Prime Minister?”
Jeremy: We must try to negotiate – ask if he will accept my surrender.”
Assistant: Message sent – (ELECTRONIC SOUND) Another reply saying - after he has had fun bombing the other two cities.
Jeremy: This is ghastly – we must find a way to negotiate.”
Assistant: Prime Minister – A message from the US President - he offers to wipe out North Korea.”
Jeremy: That is pure barbarism – decline the offer we will negotiate.”
(TWO MORE BOMBS FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF SONG- ‘We’ll meet again – don’t know where don’t know when.)
We asked another labour constituent about the EU.
Presenter: What will the Labour government do about Brexit?”
(SOUND – RASPBERRY BLOWN)
“They obviously don’t want to talk about it.”
The fifth scenario of the Conservatives.
We asked Mrs May about the EU.
Presenter: Prime Minister, will you negotiate a hard Brexit?
PM: Do you like hard boiled sweets with a soft centre?
Presenter: I do, yes.
PM: In analogy that is me – hard with a soft centre. Sometimes it takes longer to reach the centre.
Presenter: So in the long term we could have a soft Brexit?
PM: It all depends on how fast the Europeans chew.”
Presenter: I prefer toffee.
PM: That is what we are negotiating with now and things are extremely sticky.
Presenter: Would you say that you will look after the poor and needy?
PM: Of course I will say that. The electorate needs to hear it.”
Presenter: You have already said that you need a balance between the haves and have-nots.
PM: We shall endeavour to do this by possibly, 2024.
Presenter: But you may not be in government then.”
PM: I know, it’s such a shame.”
Presenter: Prime Minister, the energy prices are starting to escalate. At this present moment everything is going back up, even eggs.
PM: That will be bad news for hens – but the rest of us will survive when I reach my soft centre in about ten years.
This was a political broadcast on behalf of the British voter.
From our broadcast I am sure you will be able to choose the Prime Minister that you want. If not, Hard luck – that’s all there is.